So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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