I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
