Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
