i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
