Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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