I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
