if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
