If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
