My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
