Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
