It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
