We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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