My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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