My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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