sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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