suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
