I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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