I faked an abortion last night.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My dick has a subreddit
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
