Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
