he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
