This is not my ceiling
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
