I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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