im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
