There is no way he is gay with that hair.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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