He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
