I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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