I accidentally burped into my bong.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
