Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
