My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
