I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
