This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
