i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
