Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
