I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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