I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
