How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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