Say something about gay babies.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
