I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
