You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just found puke in my bra..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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