I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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