I'm going to jail i love you
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
