I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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