I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
