the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
