She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
