Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
