she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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