Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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