I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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