The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
