last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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