I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
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We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
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YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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