the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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