I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
