Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I deserve this hangover.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
