Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
