I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
