Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
